BGP- Why are we always meeting in hotels when you have a whole house to yourself?
Edward and I have upgraded our daily conversations to instant messaging over the past few months. Our texting had gotten totally out of control. It became quicker and easier to instant message each other on our phones. We couldn't actually talk on the phone for fear of other people hearing. Our conversations aren't always G rated and were definitely not work appropriate.
We have gotten to the point where we talk to each other every day for one reason or another. Sometimes, it's just to say 'hi' and other times it's to figure out if we can meet.
He has become such a part of my life that I'm not sure I can be without him now. It seems odd to say that I have two totally different and great relationships with two different men at the same time. I have days where I feel really bad for cheating on Em and I can't even attempt to rationalize it. I just know that, at this point in my life, I need both of them. I know it's selfish but it's the truth. I know that I am confused and that it's not fair to either of them and I've wrecked my brain trying to make a choice and I just can't. There's a small part of me that wishes Em would meet someone new and just leave me. That way I wouldn't have to be the bad guy.
EMGD- What are you talking about? I thought you liked the hotels? You know I'm not big on having guests at my house.
I'm a guest now? You've been fucking the shit out of me for the past damn near four months and now I'm a guest?
BGP- I do like the hotels but that has to get expensive. Wouldn't it just be easier to do it at your house?
He is so weird sometimes. I don't understand why a single man would continue to pay for hotels when he could just have me come to his house and save some money. I understand that we are limited in our choices of meeting locations but I know those hotels aren't cheap. The man never chooses the cheap hotels, it's always the four and five star hotels.
EMGD- It would be easier but I always felt like hotels were neutral places and you would feel comfortable.
I'm comfortable anywhere Em doesn't know about. It's weird that Edward hasn't invited Em over to his house yet. I really figured he would have by now but it seems that Edward would rather come to our house and hang out. Weird tendencies.
BGP- I was just trying to look out for you. I feel like you are spending so much money on hotels that are unnecessary. Are you scared for me to k now where you live? You should know you can trust me by now. You're not hiding national secrets in your house are you?
EMGD-Funny Bella. If I was worried about the money, I would've said something already. I'm not scared for you to know where I live and I know I can trust you. Do you want to come over that bad?
BGP- Yes! I do! I wanna see where you are everyday. I wanna see what your bedroom looks like.
EMGD- We are supposed to meet tonight. Do you wanna come to my house instead?
What? Wow! He really invited me over. I didn't think this day would ever come.
BGP- YES!!!! The same time we were gonna meet at hotel?
EMGD-Yes, I'll see you then. Have a good rest of the day.
Fuck! I still have three hours to work.
I had already told Em that I was working a few extra hours tonight. I had gotten a pay raise not long after Edward and I started regularly seeing each other; which meant that Em hadn't noticed the difference in my pay because it was basically the same as before.
I finished my rounds and the rest of the three long hours at work. Just as I was getting to my car in the lot, my phone alerted me to a new IM.
EMGD- Here's the directions to my house. 285 North to South Atlanta Road exit. Take a left off of exit. Take a right at the 2nd light. 1st street on right, 2nd street on left and 4th house on left. I can't wait to see you. Be safe.
Such good timing. It's like he read my mind.
BGP- Thank you. Me too. See you soon.
I began the short drive to his house. I am always paranoid when I'm on the way to meet him. I'm always thinking of the worst things possible. What if my car breaks down or I get a flat tire? What if I pass Em on the road? What if Em has an emergency and needs me? Somehow, none of those things have ever happened.
There was one time when we thought we had been caught. We were getting ready to leave the hotel and I was looking out the window to make sure no one we knew was out there. I saw a truck in the lot that looked just like one of Em's friends' trucks. I was so paranoid that I made Edward sit in that hotel with me for an hour until I saw the person come out and get in that truck. Thankfully, it wasn't the guy I was thinking of but I was really scared. I knew then that we couldn't stay in hotels forever. No one knows where he lives and it would be easier for us to meet there.
EMGD- Are you almost here? I'll open the garage for you to park in.
BGP- I'm turning into the neighborhood now.
Sure enough, when I pulled into the driveway the garage door was open and my pulse raced with the sight of Edward standing at the door connecting to the house. His house is huge! Damn, this is a nice house. The garage was on the back side of the house. The house was a beautiful three level, Craftsman style home. The chimney was made of stone. It looked like it belonged in the mountains, not in the city.
The effect he has on me hasn't dulled one bit. Every time I saw him was like the first time. I've become addicted to that feeling. It was like a drug to me. If I haven't seen him for a few days, I start to feel almost empty.
I pulled into the garage and he hit the button to shut it behind me. He walked over to my car and opened it for me.
“Bella! I didn't ever think you would get here.” He exclaimed as he held out his arms to me.
“I came straight here, crazy.” I replied as I entered his arms and hugged him tightly.
“Mmmm. This is where you always need to be.” He whispered into my ear.
“I agree.” I said as I pulled out of the hug and looked up into his eyes and pulled myself up to his mouth. I needed to feel his lips pressed against mine. I instantly relaxed when I felt his moist lips.
He lifted his head and said “Now, that's a proper greeting.”
“I know, right? So, give me a tour of the castle.”
“Okay. Follow me.” He stated as he began to walk back into the house. I followed behind him and was stunned by the beauty of this house. I expected it to be nice but not this nice.
He took me through the house one room at a time. We started on the first floor, then went to the backyard and deck. We made our way through the second floor and then he ended it there. He acted like the third floor ,that I could clearly see the steps to, didn't exist. He simply turned around and started to walk down the steps to the first floor. Of course, this makes me even more curious as to what is on the third floor but he clearly didn't want to tell me.
“Edward” he turned to look at me. “What about up there?” I said as I pointed towards the ascending stairs.
“Umm” he said as he turned to walk back down the stairs. “There's nothing up there yet. I haven't furnished it yet. So, there's nothing to see.”
I followed him down the stairs but I was at a loss of words. How can I ask to go up there without sounding like a nosy bitch? If he doesn't want me to see it, he just doesn't. What's up there? The man has lived here for a while now and the rest of the house is beautifully decorated and completely furnished. He expects me to believe he just stopped with the third floor? He's probably manufacturing drugs up there or something. Maybe that's where all his money is coming from? Maybe he's making counterfeit money? Maybe that's where his girlfriend keeps her stuff? Fuck! I need to chill out and just enjoy being here. This is probably the reason he didn't ask me over before.
Edward and I sat on the couch in the living room and watched TV for a little while. It's nice to be with him in his own personal space. He laid his head in my lap and I ran my fingers through his silky hair. It's not often that we get time to just be together and I decided to take advantage of it. I still haven't found out exactly what happened the night his parents died. I didn't want to bring it up during our times together because I wanted those times to be fun and loving not depressing.
I've been pressing my luck all day with my requests and questions so why stop now?
“I wanna ask you about something but if you don't want to talk about it, just say so. Okay?”
“Okay.” He replied as he sat up on the couch. I became nervous as he looked straight into my eyes. “Shoot.”
“Well.... I.... was just wondering if you would tell me about the night your parents died? No one in your family ever talks about it.”
He sat quiet for a few moments and looked down at his hands. He was deciding whether or not he was going to tell me. I didn't want to pressure him into telling me. I just wanted to know these things about him. I wanted him to share all his stories with me. I wanted to know everything that made him the man that he is today.
“Well, it was the night I graduated from high school. My parents drove separately from me since I had to be there early. After the ceremony was over I met them in the bleachers for pictures and congratulations from the family. There was a big party that I wanted to go to but they wanted to take me to dinner first. I gave in and agreed to dinner. They wanted to take me somewhere nice. We decided on Justin's in Atlanta. I was in such a rush to get dinner over with and get to the stupid party, that I drove like a mad man to get there. We were almost to the exit and I could see Dad struggling to keep up with me. Then I heard screeching tires behind me and I looked in my rear view mirror to see my parents' car flying through the air.” He hesitated to continue. I could see his eyes getting glassy and I knew it was hard for him to finish the story.
“I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have asked you. I should've waited for you to tell me when you were ready. I'm an idiot.” I stated as I shook my head.
“Bella, you're not an idiot. I didn't think you ever wanted to know about this. I can finish.” He took a deep breath and looked back down at his hands. “I saw their car flying and flipping through the air and I slammed on my brakes and stopped the car right in the middle of the interstate. Luckily, there wasn't much traffic out that night because I ran out of my car and over to my parents' car. It had finally stopped flipping and was just laying there upside down on the side of the road. I tried to call out to my parents but they never responded. I couldn't get to them to try and pull them out. The paramedics and fire department arrived shortly after the crash. They had to use the Jaws of Life to even get to my parents. I knew they were gone as soon as I saw them. The doctors said that they died on impact. I don't know if I believe them but it does make me feel better to know they didn't suffer.” I saw tears begin to fall down his face. God! I am so stupid for even bringing this up!
“Edward, it's okay.” I grabbed his hands and started rubbing soothing circles on them with my thumbs. “I'm so sorry about your parents. I'm sorry you had to go through that.”
“Bella, it was all my fault. If I hadn't been in such a fucking rush, they would still be here. I killed them. It's my fault.” He was now sobbing hard.
“You can't blame yourself, Edward. It was not your fault. Everything happens for a reason. You can't carry that guilt with you.”
He continued to sob and it broke my heart. I felt like the worst person ever for asking him to talk about it.
I hugged him while he cried. I wanted to comfort him. I wanted him to know that I was here for him. I wanted to make all his pain go away. I wanted to take the guilt from him.
After a while he released me and took a deep breath. “Bella, I didn't mean to break down like that in front of you.”
“It's fine. I'm sorry I brought it up.” I said timidly.
“No, don't be. I haven't talked about them in a while. Maybe next time I can tell you some of the good stories of them.”
I smiled knowing that he actually wanted to open up to me and that he wanted me to know about his parents. “That would be great. I'd be honored.”
“How much longer do you have before you have to go home?” He asked me.
“I have a few more hours. Why?”
He grabbed my hand and stood up from the couch. “Will you come upstairs with me?”
“Of course.” I stood up and followed behind him. He led me up the stairs and into the room he had earlier said was his bedroom.
He led me over to the bed and he laid down and patted the bed asking me to lay next to him. There was no way I could deny him anything after the break down he just had.
I laid down on the bed next to him and he pulled me against his chest and lightly kissed my lips. I was certain he was going to start undressing me but he never did. We laid there snuggled against each other , listening to our breaths, and inhaling our scents for what seemed like hours. We have never done anything like that. Our relationship has always been so sexual and I wasn't sure if we were even capable of doing something like this.
“What are you thanking me for?” I ruined this whole day. What would he have to thank me for?
“For just being you and being here with me. Just holding you comforts me.”
“You're welcome. I enjoyed it.”
“Me too. Are you hungry? I'm starving.”
“Yeah, actually, I am. Guess I'll grab something on the way home.”
“No. We still have some time. I'll cook you something.” He rolled off the bed and I did the same. I walked with him down the stairs and into the kitchen.
“You worked all day. Have a seat on one of the stools by the island. What would you like to eat?”
“Hmmm..... tough decision Chef Edward.” I said jokingly trying to lighten the serious mood we had created. “I love french toast and haven't had any in a while. Can you make that?”
“I most certainly can, Queen Bella.” He said as he bowed to me. I was glad he saw what I was trying to do and went with it.
He cooked the french toast and it was the best I've ever had. I was really starting to believe I had made this man up in my head. He was sensitive, caring, gentle, great in bed, amazing cook, obviously wealthy, built like a Roman God. There had to be some flaw in him that I just didn't know of yet.
By the time I was done eating, it was time for me to leave. I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay with him all night. I wanted to see what he looked like in the morning. I wanted to wake up and look in his eyes. We were starting to journey into new territory and I didn't want to chance losing it. He was opening himself to me. We had spent a whole meeting with our clothes on. Ha had allowed me into his house. He had cooked for me. These were things that I never thought would happen. I assumed it would always just be a sexual relationship.
“I guess I have to go.” I said reluctantly as I stood at my car door.
“I guess so.” He shrugged his shoulders with a somber look on his face. “I hate to see you go. I had a great time with you today.”
“I did too.” I said as our eyes met and he bent down to capture my lips with his. It was a sweet chaste kiss. There was no tongue involved. We knew that if we involved the tongues that I wouldn't be leaving anytime soon.
“Drive safely. Let me know that you made it home, okay?” He asked as he held me face in his hands.
“I will. I always do.” I opened my door and sat down into the seat. He closed the door behind me and walked over the button to open the garage door. I blew him a kiss and put the car in reverse. He smiled and blew me one in return as I backed out.
I pulled away from his house and felt instantly saddened. I was so happy when I was with him but I always felt sad when I left.
I always feel like the worst person on the planet when I'm driving home to Em after being with Edward. I really do love him and I always feel like shit for doing this to him. I know I should just break up with him but I can't. I know he deserves someone that won't lie to him and that will treat him like the good man he is. I always worry that I am going to forget to clear out my phone or that I will slip up and say something to give me away. I don't want Em to ever know what Edward and I do. It would devastate him to know that both his girl and his cousin had been lying to him and sleeping with each other behind his back. I have to make sure that he never finds out the truth. If we eventually break up, I would have to leave out the Edward part. He would be hurt enough to know that I was cheating, it would only make it worse to know the whole truth. Just thinking about Em finding out makes my stomach hurt.
I needed to calm down and think happy thoughts about Em. He loves me and I love him and I need to remember that.