Friday, July 10, 2009

Chapter 21- Sweet Dreams

Chapter 21- Sweet Dreams. (Bella POV)

“Bella. Please stay. I love you.” On his face was a look of complete love and adoration. I wanted to lightly stroke his strong jaw with the back of my hand. I wanted to feel his stubble against my fingers. I wanted to feel the warmth that was radiating from his skin. I wanted to feel him lean his face into my hand.

I lifted my hand and moved it towards his face. His face was so close that I could already feel the electricity.


What the fuck? Oh! Damnitt! It was just a fucking dream, again. I awoke completely pissed off. My subconscious has been betraying me ever since I said goodbye to Edward. Now, not only was the universe plotting against me, so was my mind. I have been having some variation of the same dream every night.

It was always Edward begging me to stay but the locations varied. Sometimes, we were in his house. Other times, we were in a park or restaurant. One time, it was like that movie Say Anything and Edward was standing outside of my house blaring some cheesy love song. Of course, the last one would never happen because of Em. That would be a dead give away.

These dreams were really starting to fuck with my head. When the dreams first started I would wake and feel like it had been a nightmare. I didn't want him to beg me to stay. I wanted to leave. After having the same dream every night, I started to look forward to them. I began to look forward to seeing his face. To see what he would have to say each night. Either way they were sweet dreams and beautiful nightmares. Depending on the way I felt when I woke up.

I hit the alarm clock to push it into snooze mode. I wasn't ready to get up. I wanted to go back to sleep and see Edward again, and I hated myself for it. These dreams were my guilty pleasure. It was my way of having him back without him or anyone else knowing it.

Days like this, I would wake up and feel a complete warmth encase my body. It felt like he was here with me. Fucking crazy, I know. This shit is out of control.

I rolled over in the bed attempting to bury my face from the rising sun. I could hear Em in the shower already. Now that he was going to school, there are days he has to wake earlier than me. I could hear him singing. Instead of finding it funny, like I used to, I now found it annoying and wanted him to shut up.

I've been trying to focus all of my attention on Em, ever since I ended it with Edward. I wanted to give our relationship the best possible chance to survive. However, it had not been going so well.

We were arguing a lot lately. We had basically quit doing anything as a couple. I was always working. He was either in school or studying. There was no 'us' time. We only saw each other in passing or when it was time to go to sleep. I missed him but it felt like I was missing my friend, not my partner and lover.

The thoughts of him cheating, still ventured in my head occasionally. Once that seed is planted, it's hard to forget. I still didn't have any proof or reason to think he was cheating, other than his favorite cousin saying it. I didn't do any crazy spying again or going through his phone. I wasn't going to resort to those tactics again.

Em came out of the bathroom and got dressed. I, of course, couldn't go back to sleep. I was wide awake lying in bed when he saw me.

“Good Morning, babe.” He said cheerfully.

“Good Morning. What has you so happy this morning?” I asked him.

He was brushing his hair and looking at himself in the mirror. “Nothing in particular. I just have a feeling today is going to be a good day.”

I started to rise from the bed. “Oh yeah? Why is that?” I asked inquisitively as I raised my eyebrows at him.

“We have a pretty easy day at school. Then I was going to meet Jacob and Laurant for a few beers after class. Do you have plans tonight? Wanna go to dinner with me?” He asked as he turned around and grabbed me by my waist.

“I get off at seven but I don't have any plans after work. Where do you wanna go?” I asked him.

“I'll text you at work and let you know. Okay?” He said as he lightly kissed my lips.

“Okay. Have a good day.” I said to him as he turned to leave.

I started my routine for getting ready to go to work. Nothing fancy. Shower, scrubs, hair in ponytail, little to no makeup, tennis shoes, brush teeth and out the door.

The rides to and from work especially made me miss Edward. I would think about all the days I would talk to him while I was driving. All the times we would make plans to see each other and I would look forward to it all day. The thoughts of seeing him at the end of the day would always put me in such a good mood. Now my mood, generally, sucked ass. I was short and snippy with my coworkers. I didn't do anything above and beyond for my patients. I wasn't nice to Em when I came home at night. I didn't really hang out with any of my girlfriends anymore. I was no longer fun loving Bella. I was sad Bella that just wanted to get the day over with as soon as I could.

I felt the worst for treating Em like I did. He didn't need to pay for Edward's mistakes. It wasn't fair to him. Maybe, I could start fixing that tonight.

I made it to work and I made it through the day. That was the major gist of the whole day. I would often think I was feeling my phone vibrate in my pocket and I would quickly pull it out only to see that I had imagined the whole thing. No messages or calls from anyone. I had alienated everyone in my life. No one wanted to talk to me now that I was in such a foul mood all the time. It made me sad to think of what I have become. I turned myself into a lifeless robot that simply was going through the daily motions.

I was on the way home when I realized Em never texted me to tell me where we were having dinner. That wasn't like him.

I hope you are alright. We still on for dinner? B

I didn't know if class had ran late or if he was still with the guys. I made it all the way home and still no word from Em.

I walked inside the house and looked for Em. I had thought maybe he came home and fell asleep but there was no sign of him at all. I was really getting worried about him. It wasn't like him to not call or show up, especially when we had plans.

I changed clothes and grabbed a drink from the kitchen before sitting on the couch and turning on the TV. I didn't want to blow up Em's phone with text messages but I just needed to know he was okay.

Em, I'm really worried. Please let me know you are ok. B

Sit back and wait some more. I continued to open my phone, just to make sure it was working. It was.

I eventually drifted off to sleep while I was waiting on Em to call. He never did. I woke up to find it was three in the morning. Still, no Em.

I got up and put my shoes on, grabbed my purse and phone and walked out to my car. I was going to start calling around to hospitals and jails and driving around the streets looking for him. I would never forgive myself if something bad had happened to him and I was just sleeping at home.

I knew I didn't love him like I should anymore but I was still his girlfriend and would be there if he needed me.

I called all the local hospitals as I was driving around like a mad woman. I called all of the jails. Emmett wasn't anywhere to be found. It hit me right at that moment, at three AM as I'm driving around in my pajamas looking for a man that was more of my friend than my lover, that he was cheating on me. He was with a woman somewhere and there was no use in me being out this late at night to look for someone that doesn't want to be found.

The flood of emotions surprised me as I drove home. One second, I was crying. The next, I was angry and cussing. The next, I was calm. It was completely crazy.

I got back home and laid in the bed. My head was still spinning and my emotions were over flowing and there was no way I was getting anymore sleep.

I cleaned every inch of the house that morning while I waited on Em to come home. He would eventually have to come home and I couldn't wait to hear his excuses.

It was ten in the morning when I finally heard the front door open. My heart began to race. My breathing increased. I knew there was about to be a big argument and I was ready for it. He walked into the living room and he looked totally shocked to find me sitting on the couch.

“Good Morning, Em.” I said in a sarcastic tone while I flipped through channels.

“Uhhh..... Morning, Bella. I.... uhhhh.....” He stammered trying to find a good excuse for why he had stood me up and not come home.

I looked at him with my brows raised and head cocked to the side. “You uhhhh......what, Em?” I was being a sarcastic bitch but he had done something last night that I had never done to him. I had never once stood him up. Nor had I ever stayed gone all night. In all honesty, I wasn't mad at him for cheating. After all, I had been cheating on him too. I was mad because he didn't even have the decency to call me. I had always made it a point to call him.

The look on his face was priceless. He was trying so hard to think of something to say but his brain wasn't working fast enough.

“I.... uhhhh.....” He tried again.

“Fucking hell, Em. Just spit it out already.” I said harshly to him as I got up from the couch and walked over to him. “You stood me up. You didn't answer your texts. You stayed out all night. You had me out in the middle of the night calling and looking everywhere for you. And all you can say is 'I ….. uhhhh..' come on, Em. You could've at least thought of a good lie while you were out all night.” I said as I walked past him to the kitchen.

He turned and followed behind me. “I drank too much with the guys and had to sleep at Jacobs house. I didn't wake up until about an hour ago.” He said quickly.

“You expect me to believe that Em? Come on. I know you better than that. You were too drunk at seven o'clock at night to text me back? I'm not stupid. I know you were with another woman.”

I wanted to tell him just to admit it. That he had been caught. But how can I say that to him when I had never admitted what I had done to him. I deserved what I was getting but that didn't mean it didn't hurt like hell. Yes, I was being a hypocrite but I couldn't help it.

He slammed his fists down on the kitchen counter. “Damnitt, Bella. Yes, I expect you to believe it because it's the truth. I'm sorry you were out looking for me and I'm sorry I didn't call back. I didn't mean to worry you.” He said as he ran his fingers through his hair.

I don't fucking believe you because I was doing the same thing for a long time. I know more about this cheating shit than you will ever know. That's why I don't believe you.

This fight continued on and on for almost an hour. We constantly went back and forth. He would never admit to being with another woman. I wouldn't believe him. He would stick to his story. I would tell him to give up the story already.

The fight eventually ended when he stormed out of the house again. Saying he couldn't stand to look at me anymore because I was accusing him of something he hadn't done. That all sounded well and good but there wasn't anything he could say to make me believe him.

I was hurt and sad, both at myself and at him.

I was mad at myself because I had let this turn into such a mess. We were all a big ass group of cheaters and none of us should be trusted. I was completely honest with Edward but kept a million lies from Em. Em was lying to me. Edward was lying to Em. It was a big, vicious fucked up cycle of lies.

I had no idea where Em had went to when he left. I didn't really care. This relationship was ending and I could feel it. This incident was the catalyst that finally blew it all up.

Em would always be special to me. He was my first love and my first real relationship. He was the first man I shared a home with. The problem was I wanted Em as my friend, not as my lover anymore. I just wasn't sure how to end it.

Part of me thought that he would eventually come home and one of us would decide that the other should move out. The other part of me thought that he would come home and we would act like today never happened.

I wanted him to end it but I didn't think he would. The more I thought about it, the more I felt that he liked having me at home and his little sex girl on the side. After all, I had enjoyed doing the same thing for quite some time.

My mind was all over the place and I needed to relax. I wasn't going to get anywhere by driving myself crazy. I grabbed the bottle of wine from the cabinet and a wine glass. I put on my swimsuit and went out to the pool. I grabbed my big comfy chair float and threw it in the pool.

I wasn't sure if I would be the one to have to move out but I was going to enjoy my pool as long as I could. Ridiculous and shallow, I know.

I sat there in the pool with my bottle of wine, just floating around, trying not to think too hard. It wasn't working so well, though.

I finished the whole bottle by myself and was pretty drunk when it was gone. I managed to get out of the pool without drowning. I laid down on my bed and began talking to God in my head.

What do I do Lord? You have to tell me. I've gotten myself into a bad situation that is going to hurt a lot of people and I need your help getting out. I love Em but I'm not in love with him. I love him like a brother. Edward on the other hand, I really think I'm in love with him. Why else would I be having these dreams about him every night? It's a sign, right God? Was Edward telling me the truth about only wanting me and that Tanya was leaving? Was I too stubborn to see he was being honest?

Then as I sat there in my drunken stupor, it came to me. I can't live without him. I have to fix this but how? I was hurt so badly. Can I believe him and trust him? I can't just go running back to him. He still needs to see that he was wrong.

I needed to talk to him.

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