Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Chapter 18- What's A Man To Do.

Chapter 18- What's A Man To Do. (Edward POV)

What the fuck is touching my leg? What the hell? I awoke completely startled and having no idea what the fuck was moving up my leg. My head was under the covers, so all I could see was pure darkness. I could feel the covers touching my bare skin, since I only sleep in my boxers. I kicked my leg trying to shake off what ever the fuck it was that was touching me. When I did, I hit something hard and heard a light 'yelp'. Fucking Tanya. She's about to end this shit before it even gets started again.

“Tanya, how the fuck did you get in to my room?” I yelled as I tore the covers from my body.

She stood up looking completely shocked. Like she couldn't believe I had just fucking questioned her. I fucking said I would think about it! Not that you could do what ever the fuck you wanted to in my house.

I tried to calm down, so I didn't go completely ballistic on her. She remained standing there beside my bed looking fucking hurt and innocent in her small red camisole and boy shorts. If she hadn't ruined the great dream I had been having, her outfit may have made my dick twitch.

“Are you gonna answer me Tanya? I know I locked that fucking door. How did you get in my fucking room?” I repeated in a lower tone.

She looked down at her hands and timidly said “I just wanted surprise you this morning.”

“Tanya, you have done nothing but surprise me. You show up here out of the blue. Then you tell me you want us to get back together and now, when I'm trying to have some peace and quiet, you decide to break into my room and get in my bed. Are you even fucking thinking? You know I do not go for this type of shit.” I stated to her as I got out of bed and threw on some jogging pants. I was seriously frustrated with her behavior and she had to see it. The stunts she has pulled this weekend are not getting her anywhere close to being back in my good graces.

I walked past her and out of the door, heading down to the kitchen. I didn't hear her footsteps behind me but she would follow me if she knew what was good for her. I was in desperate need of some caffeine, soon. Otherwise, I wasn't sure of how calm I could keep myself around Tanya. I started the coffee machine and turned around to see Tanya sitting in one of the stools at the island.

She didn't say anything. She just looked at me. I'm not sure if the look she was attempting to give was supposed to be sexy or sweet but it wasn't either. It was just pissing me off. She interrupted my peaceful slumber and I was still upset about it.

“Tanya” I said and he face instantly lightened up. “How long are you planning on staying? I do have a life, you know, and I can't just stop everything for you.”

“I know you have a life. I want to be a part of your life here. I have to be back at work tomorrow, so I'm leaving tonight.”

I hate to sound like an asshole but that was the best news I've heard yet. Shit down here was getting complicated enough without having Tanya here. Before I could make a decision on my relationship with her, I needed to figure out what was going on with Bella.

“Okay. Well what did you have planned to do today?”

“Nothing. I wasn't sure what would happen with you. You are the whole reason I came down here.”

So now I have to entertain her all day. Great!

The coffee was finished and I grabbed two mugs and poured us each a cup. We sat in silence for a few minutes while we sipped our coffee. I might as well make the best out of today. I obviously can't talk to Bella today.

“I don't have any concrete plans for today. What would you think about going into the city and seeing some of the fun things Atlanta has to offer?”

“Oh Edward! That would be great!” She exclaimed with a huge smile on her face.

She and I got ready for our day in the city. We hopped into my car and made the quick drive into downtown Atlanta. I took her to see the Georgia Aquarium and the Coca-Cola Factory. After that we were pretty hungry, so I took her to eat at a place I knew she had probably never heard of. It wasn't a fancy restaurant with a long wait. I took her to The Varsity. She looked completely disgusted at first but once she actually tasted the food, she loved it.

It was getting late and I needed to get her back to my house so she could get her bags and get to the airport. We, actually, had a great time. It was almost like old times. It was almost like before I got the money. She was a totally different person back then, I missed that person.

I didn't need to drive her to the airport since she had the rental car. We said our goodbyes in the driveway. I gave her a warm hug and a chaste kiss and then she drove off.

I knew she had wanted sex. She thought if we had sex, that I would want her back. I wasn't giving into her.

Bella was on my mind. As always. I needed to talk to her. To make sure that she and I were okay. I just had no idea of what to say to her. She looked so hurt the last time I saw her. Maybe, I just needed to give her some time to cool down.

I spent the remainder of the night laying on the couch with my mind going in circles. I wanted to do something but had no idea of what to do. Did I want to get back with Tanya or let it go for good? Did I want more with Bella or could I live with just sex?

The following week, I didn't really talk to anyone. Some paperwork at the bank had gotten messed up and it was taking all of my time and concentration to correct the mistakes that had been made by my accountant in Chicago.

Tanya called, a lot. I had no time to talk to her. She didn't want anything important and I knew it. Bella never called. I assumed she was waiting for me to contact her. I felt bad for not doing it sooner but I had to take care of business.

I had put it off long enough and it was time to right my wrongs with her. I apologized and, surprisingly, she accepted. I knew I would have to make it up to her. I knew she wouldn't just let me back in easily.

We met at the hotel and I was really confused when she refused to even hug me, but I understood. We talked and got everything out in the open. We discussed things that we should have in the beginning. It felt like we were starting on a new page and I felt relieved that she knew how I felt. I was conflicted on whether or not I should tell her about Tanya. I wanted to be honest with her but I wasn't sure of what I was going to do about Tanya. Why would I tell her about someone that may not even interfere with what we have? Our situation is already difficult enough and I didn't want to complicate it further for something that was just a possibility. I would tell her the truth when the time was right.

I hadn't planned on having sex with Bella that night. I knew that our relationship was based on sex but I didn't want her to think sex was all we could have. Things between us went so smoothly that it only seemed right. I wanted to show her how I felt about her. I wanted to show her that it was all about her. That it's always about her.

The sex was amazing but, then again, it was always amazing with her. After being with her, I'm sure sex with anyone else would feel strange, almost wrong. I've only been with Bella since I moved back. I've had no need or desire for another woman.

That night ended too soon. All of my nights with her end too soon. It was time to come back to reality.

Over the next couple of months Bella and I had been seeing each other pretty regularly. We had worked out a schedule that didn't cause too much suspicion and if anyone knew about us, they didn't say anything. I liked our routine. It was comfortable. I looked forward to days I knew I would see her. We managed to see each other at least once a week and, sometimes, even two or three times if we were lucky.

The days when Bella didn't work were the hardest. We couldn't talk when she was home with Emmett because that would be too risky. I'm always jealous of Emmett on those days. He gets to spend the whole day with her doing whatever they want. He gets to wake up to her face every morning. He gets to see her smile everyday.

I always wondered about her on the days she didn't work. I hoped Emmett was being good to her and hoped she was having a good day. I wondered if she was thinking about me or looking at the same stars as I was at night. I've turned into a fucking sap, I know.

Then there was Tanya. She and I talked at least a few times a week. She began making weekend trips to Atlanta once or twice a month. Things between us were nice. They were getting back to the Tanya I liked. Her visits were a welcome escape from the mind torture that was Bella.

I was even more conflicted now. Betraying Emmett was taking it's toll on my mentally. Now, not only am I lying to Emmett but I'm lying to Bella and Tanya. Neither one of them knew about the other. I couldn't tell Tanya about Bella or she would go fucking nuts on me and ruin everything I have with Bella. I could tell Bella about Tanya but I was afraid that she would say she didn't want to be with me anymore. That she would say it was too much of a complication.

When Tanya was in town, I would take her to all of the local hot spots. We would go to dinners or sometimes we would just stay in and rent a movie. I enjoyed my time with Tanya but she wasn't Bella.

Even though I felt bad about it, I couldn't sit around and wait and hope that Bella would leave Emmett. She didn't seem any closer to making that decision than she had been when we first started this affair.

On Tanya's last trip here, we had a very big discussion. It seemed as if our relationship had began to progress. She had managed to once again be the woman I met and cared for. I wasn't sure if Bella had opened the flood gates to my heart or what but I was feeling like I could actually love Tanya. As long as she remained the nice, caring person she was before the money came.

Edward” Tanya began as I looked over at her. “How do you feel about me? I've been really enjoying our time together and I still really miss you when you aren't around. I just want to know where I stand with you.”

I've been enjoying our time together too. It's nice to have the old you back. I was really hurt when you wouldn't move down here with me and I was sure I would never see you again. I wasn't even sure if I could take you back after you showed up on my doorstep. After these last few months and I am really feeling like things could move forward with us. Feelings that I thought were gone are returning, little by little.”

I didn't realize what a big mistake I was making by not moving down here with you. I'm thankful that you decided to give me another chance. How would feel about me wanting to move down here now? Is that completely out of the question?”

No, Tanya, it's not out of the question but what about your job?”

I would have to train my replacement but I'm sure it wouldn't take any longer than a month. Are you sure there is room for me in your life here?”

I'm positive. Take all the time you need. I'll start getting some things moved around in the house to make room for your stuff.”

You really mean it Edward?”

Yes, I really mean it.” She jumped up and into my arms and repeatedly kissed my cheek.

I can't believe it! I'm so happy! I'm gonna make you so happy. You'll see!” She exclaimed as she jumped up and down.

That was a few weeks ago and Tanya has been slowing making the move to Atlanta. Every couple of days I get a knock on the door with more boxes she had shipped to my house. I set them in one of the spare rooms until she comes down and can arrange her things exactly how she wants.

I cleared out one of the closets in the master bedroom for Tanya's clothes. I cleared off one side of the bathroom vanity for her. Making room for her in this home was oddly relaxing. It was a welcome distraction from always waiting on Bella, which seemed to be what I spent most of my time away from Tanya doing lately.

Today, of all days, Bella decides she wants to come to my house. I knew this day would come eventually but I wasn't prepared for it yet. I knew it was impossible for me to deny her anything. She has that crazy power over me. I reluctantly agreed. She and I had already arranged to meet tonight so, I just needed to call and cancel the room at the hotel.

I inspected my house before Bella came over. I needed to make sure that there wasn't any evidence that another woman had been here. I wasn't sure why I was trying to so hard to cover up the truth but I just wasn't ready to tell Bella. Technically, she didn't have any reason to be mad at me even if she did find out. I was betraying my cousin for her. Tanya isn't anything to her. Still, I wasn't ready for the possibility that Bella would end us.

I contained all evidence of Tanya's existence to the master bedroom on the third floor. I could hope Bella wouldn't ask to go up there.

Once, the house was cleared for Bella's arrival, I called Tanya. I wanted to go ahead and get it out of the way. That way there would be no interruptions during my time with Bella. I wanted us to be able to focus all of our attention on each other for the entire time I had her here.

When Bella was here, there were no thoughts of Tanya. When I felt her in my arms, it felt right. It felt like she belonged there. Did she know that? Could she feel it too?

Bella, of course, asked for the tour of the house. What had I thought she wouldn't? I gave her the tour of the first floor and the second floor and then I attempted to pretend that the third floor didn't exist. She wouldn't let me get away with it that easy though. She is too inquisitive for her own good.

I panicked in my mind when she asked what was on the third floor. I had no idea what to tell her. It was my chance to tell her the truth and I couldn't man up and do it. So, I lied and told her that it wasn't furnished and there was nothing to see. I could see in her face that she wasn't believing me but she didn't question me again. She just followed me back down the stairs. I breathed a sigh of relief.

I will tell her the truth, just not today.

We were sitting on the couch just being together and hanging out when Bella asked me about my parents. It had shocked me that she wanted to know about them. I didn't know how much Emmett had told her. Knowing him, he didn't tell her too much. He usually lets people tell their own stories.

I wanted to open up to her. I wanted her to know what had happened to my parents but I haven't talked about them in a long time. I wasn't sure I could even get through the whole story without breaking down. I have tried not to think about that night for a long time.

I manned up and told her the whole, horrid story of my parents' accident and how it was all my fault. I completely broke down in front of her, which is exactly what I didn't want to do. I felt like such a pussy. I'm a grown man sitting here crying about my parents' accident that happened years ago.

Bella didn't make me feel like any less of man. She was compassionate and caring. She listened and comforted me when I needed it. She didn't laugh at me. She let me cry while she held me. This is why I love her.

I didn't want her to think that she had ruined the day but after opening up like that, I didn't want to have sex. I wanted to be with her in a way that we had never been before. This whole day was new territory for us and I wanted to take it a step further.

As sexy as she always is to me, I resisted the urge to undress her and have my way with her in my home. I laid there with her, in the bed she assumes is my bed, and technically it is because I paid for it. We laid there and simply held each other in peace, in glorious peace.

I thought about asking her what she was thinking but I decided not to ruin this moment by asking questions that could wait.

I knew she would have to be going soon and it was late. There was no way in hell I would make her stop to get food when I was perfectly capable of making her something here. She had to be hungry by now. Fortunately for me, I was really great at homemade french toast. So, I was eager to make that for her. I knew she would love it and I was attempting to make up for not showing her the third floor.

I was sad to see her leave. I was always sad to see her leave. I hated that she had to drive home at such a late hour but there wasn't anything I could do about it. I thought about following her home to make sure she made it safely but that would be creepy.

I watched her back out of my driveway and it felt like a small piece of me left with her.

I walked back into the house and went up to my bedroom..... wait, mine and Tanya's bedroom as it would be known soon. I laid down on the bed and attempted to relax. It didn't happen. I couldn't relax when I had so much inner turmoil going on.

I know that I love Bella but I can't have all of Bella. I think I'm growing to love Tanya but she's not Bella. Bella wants me but doesn't want to leave Emmett. Tanya is leaving her comfort zone to be with me. Didn't I owe it to Tanya to give it an honest try? She was after all uprooting her entire life for this relationship. I was more confused than ever and had no idea what to do about it.

The only conclusion I could come to is that I am a greedy bastard that can't make a fucking decision and that I'm going to end up hurting everyone I care about. Yet, I'm too much of a fucking idiot to do anything to stop it. What the fuck have I really gotten myself into? I'm gonna end up with alone and stupid.

Tanya's move would be complete in a week or two. What would I do then? Would Bella want to come here all the time instead of hotels? I knew Tanya would find a job down here. She loves money but is not the type to sit around on her ass all day. Maybe I could arrange for Tanya to be gone when Bella is coming over. I could send Tanya shopping or something to occupy her time. I will have to find a way to make this work.

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