Monday, July 27, 2009

Chapter 19- Emotional Rollercoaster

Chapter 19- Emotional Rollercoaster. (Bella POV)

“Good morning, babe.” I heard as I felt Em kiss my neck lightly.

“Is it morning already?” I mumbled as I rolled over to face Emmett. “Good morning.” I pressed my lips against his lightly.

He had a look of content on his face. “We have all day together. What do you wanna do today?” He said as he lightly rubbed my lower back.

“I haven't really thought about it. What did you have in mind?”

“I don't really know. Why don't we just go get some movies and hang out at the house?”

That actually sounded really nice. I could use a day to just sit back and chill. Maybe the movies will keep my mind busy and I won't wonder about Edward. “That sounds nice Em. We could use some alone time together. Between work and you going to school, we never get to just hang out anymore.”

We went to the video store and picked up a few movies and some snacks. We decided to get a variety of movies since we couldn't agree on a just one. We got a comedy, an action and a horror.

On our way back home, my phone alerted me to a new text message. Please don't be Edward. He knows I can't talk today.

I opened the message and saw that it was from Alice. I feel so bad. I have been neglecting my friends ever since this thing with Edward started.

Hey Bella! I miss you so much! How are you? A

Hey Ali! I miss you too! I'm good. How are you? Oh, and better yet, how is Jasper? B

They are so cute together. I hope they are still going strong. I'm sure she would've called me if something had happened.

He is great. I am great. WE are great!! I love him so much! He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. A

Aww, Alice. I'm really happy to hear that. We need to get together soon. B

I really do miss her most of all. She has always been a great friend to me. I'm really happy that she has Jasper in her life.

Definitely! I'll call you soon to set up a date. Tell Em I said Hello! Love ya! A

Love you too! B

I'm really glad to hear from her. I'm gonna have to make it a point to keep in touch with her better.

We stopped to get some wine. This way we wouldn't have to leave for the rest of the night.

“What's been going on with fellas? I haven't heard any crazy stories lately. Are they behaving?” I sarcastically asked Em as I grabbed the bag of movies to take into the house.

“Are they ever really behaving?” He said with a small chuckle.

“No. Not really. What are they all up to though?”

“Well, Laurant's baby's momma is driving him crazy as usual. I don't know how he deals with that woman. Jacob just got a new job at the airport. Oh and Edward's girl from Chicago just moved in with him. That's pretty much it.”

What the fuck? Edward's what? My fucking heart literally stopped beating when I heard him say that about Edward. I dropped the bag I was holding and loudly gasped. What the..? When did..? How did..? I fucking specifically asked him this question. He fucking lied to me! In a matter of ten seconds, my moods had shifted from happy to hurt to angry. I still didn't really understand how this man was able to affect me so much.

“Bella! Are you alright?” Emmett shouted as he ran over to me.

“Uhhh...... yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. I just thought I saw a snake over there.” I managed to spit out as I picked up the bag.

“Damn woman! Don't scare me like that.” He said as he let out a sigh of relief.

“I'm sorry, Em. Didn't mean to scare you.” Don't scare you? You have just fucked my whole day. Ugh! Fuck me! How in the fuck did I not know this?

We walked into the house and sat down on the couch. Em put in one of the movies. Honestly, I was too upset and mad and in my own world to even fucking worry about what movie he put in. There's no way I'd be paying any attention to the movie anyways. My fucking mind was racing and I knew that it wouldn't stop until I actually talked to Edward.

I am so fucking mad right now. I am mad at him. I am mad at me. I am mad that I fucking got myself in this situation. I am mad the he fucking blatantly lied to my face. Why in the hell would he lie? I live with his cousin, what could I say to him about having a girlfriend? The least he could've fucking done was be honest with me. Did I not deserve that much? I have risked everything to be with him and this is how he repays me? What the fuck was I thinking?

I sat through the movie and couldn't tell you a single thing about it. However, I managed to drink almost the whole bottle of wine by myself.

My head hurts. My fucking heart hurts. I feel betrayed. I feel naive. I feel stupid.

I knew that I wouldn't be able to talk to Edward until I went back to work the next day. So, I did what most people do. I drowned out my sorrows with alcohol. I was hoping that I would soon just pass out and wouldn't have to think anymore.

I felt bad for Em. Our day together was shot to hell and he had no idea why. I was a shitty fucking girlfriend but my heart was in so much pain that I couldn't even put a fake ass smile on my face. Em deserves someone better than me and I know it. When would he realize it?


Ow! Fuck! My head! That bottle of wine was not a good idea.

I managed to get out of bed. I reeked of alcohol and my whole body was in pain. I needed a shower and fast. I walked into the warm spray of water and let it cover my body. The heat was slowly easing the ache in my muscles but it wasn't doing shit for my heart. I needed to get out of this house quickly. I needed to talk to him, like yesterday.

I threw on some scrubs and brushed through my hair and threw it in a ponytail. I felt like pure shit mentally and physically and I didn't give a fuck what I looked like.

Em was still asleep and I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before I left.

Once I was in the car, I had to text Edward immediately. I knew there was no way I could function properly at work without some type of resolution. I would be of no use to the patients' in my current mind frame.

We need to fucking talk ASAP! B

I've never really cussed at him but I didn't care. He had truly fucked up this time. I was shaking as I waited for his response. I couldn't even grip the steering wheel properly.

Are you ok? What's wrong? What do you need to talk about this early in the morning? E

Fuck you and being this early in the morning. What's wrong is you're a fucking sack of shit liar! No I'm not okay.

I'm not talking to you about it over texts. You need to meet me somewhere. Now! B

Either he's playing stupid or the dumb ass really is fucking stupid.

Damn. Ok. Where? E

Starbucks by your house. B

I no longer gave a shit about being out in public. This relationship clearly wasn't going to continue if Em was telling the truth about Edward.

I called into work. I told them I had a stomach virus. Little did they know the virus' name was Edward Cullen.

My pulse was racing the entire drive to meet him. I felt so betrayed that I wanted to cry but I wouldn't let myself cry over someone that clearly didn't give a shit about me.

I pulled into the parking lot and saw Edward's car. I tried to compose myself before I went into the cafe. I didn't want to make a complete scene.

I got out of the car and went into the building. I saw him sitting at a table and walked over to him. My heart was racing. I was so angry at him and seeing his face made it even worse. I sat down at the table and stared at him intensely while I tried to control my erratic breathing.

“Bella, are you alright? You don't look well?” He said as he reached across the table for my hand

“I don't look well? Am I alright?” I said harshly as my brows furrowed and I rapidly pulled my hand away. “No, I'm not fucking alright. I heard a little story. You wanna know what that fucking story is? Huh? Do you?”

“Uhhhh, yes?” He looked very confused.

“I heard a little story from my boyfriend that that his cousin, who I have been fucking for the last four months or so, just had his girlfriend from Chicago move in with him. This girlfriend that I knew nothing about and that I specifically asked you about? How's that for a story?” His face went blank and I knew then that Em was right. I couldn't fucking believe it. I had secretly hoped Em was just making it up.

He sat quiet for a few moments. He just kept looking down at his hands. You're fucking hands don't have the majic answers.

“Bella” he started “I....I.... don't really know what to say other than I'm sorry.” As he shrugged his shoulders.

I raised my eyebrows at him in a look of shock. “Sorry? That's all you have is sorry? I've risked my whole relationship for you and I get a sorry?”

“What else can I say Bella? I am fucking sorry. I never wanted to hurt you.” He almost sounded like he was in defense mode.

“Then why did you lie to me? What did you think I was gonna say? I have a boyfriend. I couldn't be mad at you for having a girlfriend but you should have told me. Now I can't trust you at all.”

He looked into my eyes for a moment before he spoke. “I know I should've told you. I just felt like if you knew about her that you would leave. I was an idiot.”

“You're fucking right you are an idiot. If you had told me the truth, could've worked through this but you lied and now I'll never trust you again.” As I sat back in my chair and shook my head at him.

He cocked his head to the side and raised his eyebrows. “Bella, I'm sorry but do you know how it feels to be in love with the same woman as your cousin? It fucking makes me sick. She's nothing to you. He's my cousin. It's a lot harder for me.”

“What the fuck does that have to do with it?" I said roughly as I threw my hands up in the air. "You still lied to me. That's the fucking point, Edward. And you're not in love with me or you wouldn't have lied. So don't even try to pull that card.” I spat at him. I really didn't believe that he loved me. I only believe he's in love with himself.

He looked really hurt by what I had said and looked back down at his hands that were gripping his cup of coffee. “I know that lying to you was wrong and I'm really really sorry but I'm not the only one lying to you.”

I looked at him quizzically. “What does that mean? Who are you talking about?”

“I'm talking about your precious Emmett.” He said sarcastically as he looked up at me.

I was utterly confused. “Emmett? What is he lying to me about?” I really didn't know what he was trying to say. Quit trying to take the focus off of you.

“I was on your side of town the other day to run a few errands. I went into the mall to pick up a few things and I saw Emmett being way to friendly with another woman.” He sat back in his seat and crossed his arms and had a smug look on his face.

“And? He has female friends.”

“They weren't just hanging out. They were definitely more than friends.” He said confidently.

I sat silent for a few seconds. I wasn't comprehending anything anymore. Both of the men in my life are lying to me. Edward, I know for certain had lied to me. Was Em really lying to me? Was he really cheating on me and with who? Fuck my life! This shit gets worse everyday.

I furrowed my brows at him.“Quit trying to change the subject, Edward. You don't need to worry about Em. You need to worry about yourself.” As I pointed my finger at him.

“Well, he is telling all of my business. I might as well tell all of his.” He said in a nonchalant way.

“Nice fucking attitude. It's time for me to go." I grabbed my purse and keys. "I can't sit here and listen to you evade the subject all day.” I turned in my chair and started to rise out of my seat.

“Bella wait.” I turned to shoot him a frustrated look.

“What?” I said sharply.

His face looked so sad and hurt. “Don't leave like this. Please. What about us?” He quietly asked.

Are you fucking serious? Did you not hear anything I just said?

“Edward, at this point, there is no us. You lied. I'm done. End of story. Have fun with your girlfriend.” I said flatly as I rose from my seat and headed towards the exit. I pushed open the door and took one last look at Edward. He looked so hurt and sad. Almost like he was about to cry. I almost felt sorry for him. Then I remembered that he lied to me. I had never lied to him. It was time to keep walking.

I would miss him but if he couldn't at least be honest with me, then we were wasting our time.

I got in my car and pulled out of the lot. My head was spinning and I felt like crying. I wanted to cry for all the lies I had told. Cry for all the lies I had been told. Cry for the person I thought I was and the person I would never be again.

I got in my car and I drove around the city for the longest time. I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to look at pictures of Em. Every time I even thought about Em, I got sick to my stomach. Thinking about him and another woman having sex made me feel like my heart was physically ripping. Before today, I didn't think Em cheating would hurt that bad. After all, I was doing the same thing.

Thinking of Edward and his girlfriend was even worse. That man had done amazing things to me and made me feel things I never thought I would feel. Now, he was doing those things to another woman.

Is Edward's girlfriend the reason I couldn't go on the third floor? What a fucking asshole.

There is no way I can confront Em about this other woman. He's gonna want to know how I know. I can't tell him the truth. I'm gonna have to fucking sit there and act normal. Like I don't fucking know anything. How the fuck can I say something to him about fucking another woman when I'm fucking his cousin? Cousin is worse than a stranger, any day.

This fucking situation gets shittier everyday. I've gotten in way fucking over my head and I have no idea how to get out of it. Other than to say fuck both of them and move on completely. I don't know if I'm strong enough for that.

I drove to a park in the city and sat on a bench for hours. I had no idea where I wanted to go. I didn't want to go home yet. I couldn't go to Edwards. I couldn't go to work. I just fucking sat there like a bump on a log. Feeling completely shitty and worthless.

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